Thursday, January 03, 2008. Changes

When I very first got to Korea, I counted the time that had passed in days. My first couple of them were so rough that I numbered all of the days in my planner to tell me exactly how many I had until I got to come home. A whole year of em. I started at 365 on October 31 and counted backwards.
After deciding I wasn't going to swim back to America with my luggage floating behind me, I started counting in weeks. Every Tuesday I had an anniversary. A little victory because I had survived seven more days.
The inspiration for this blog came from the sudden realization that somewhere along the way, I stopped counting. I was sitting at my desk and actually had to get a calendar out and count because I had forgotten how long I had been here. FYI, its been 2 months and 4 days but sometime in the past couple of weeks, I didn't need to know that. I quit keeping a running tab on when they were going to let me out of here. I had lost my perspective for a while. The holidays without your friends and family will do that to you. I had forgotten that this didn't happen TO me. I sought this job out and came here on purpose.
All the missing people and culture shock had made me forget that this was my decision. I was moping around like someone sent me here out of spite. I don't believe in accidents so I know God had a reason for me to be here but I had quit trying to find it. Last week I almost came home. I even looked online to see when the next flight out was. I got caught up in all that I was missing. Rhonda got engaged. Jimmy asked Kim to marry him. Scarlett got her first tooth and said her first word. My grandmother got put in the hospital again. My uncle almost had a heart attack. All I was focusing on were the things that were going on back home. I was so miserable because I wasn't living my life HERE. My heart was still in America and my mind wasn't far from it.
It was then that God gave me my perspective back. Well, He hit me in the face with it. I'm not that important. I know some of you reading this will beg to differ, but just think about it. Sure, you miss me, but your life is going on without me there to witness it and its OK. I'm 10,000 miles from everything familiar to me and I'm fine. I'm making a life for myself...by myself. I would have given anything to be there to hear the story of Rhonda's engagement firsthand. I wanted to be there so bad I boo boo cried on her voice mail trying to tell her congratulations. But I lived. And she lived. I'm coming to terms with this whole being "away" thing. I miss the people I love so much it hurts sometimes. I don't expect that to ever stop, but it has become a manageable ache. When I miss you so much I think I should just pack it in and come home, I read this. Believe it is taped up on the wall right next to my desk.

i carry your heart with me
E.E. Cummings

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it(anywhere I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)